Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
