cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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