i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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