I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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