I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
