shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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