i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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