my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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