your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
