...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
