stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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