I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
