what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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