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dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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