i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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