is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize