if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
