I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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