When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
