He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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