You just made me feel so damn special
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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