Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
