I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
