I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
