i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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