There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I look better un-naked...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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