Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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