Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize