I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize