i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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