My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
