M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize