My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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