He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
