I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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