dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
