So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
