She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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