I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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