you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
