I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
