peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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