Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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