On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize