I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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