he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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