Plan B is the new Plan A
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
