I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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