Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
