I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
