apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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