sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
