Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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