The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
