you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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