I will die if light touches me.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
