people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
