Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He uses pillows to masturbate.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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