dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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