Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize